I Wonder If Couples Drive Themselves This Crazy...

Heyas,

So, I'm sitting in my half-packed apartment right now, idly surfing the 'net and pretending that my gaze isn't really riveted on the windows facing the street, where Mr. FedEx man is due to pull up today and bring me the Imp's Pop-sicle.

Heh, get it? Popsicle?

Anyway, so I'm sitting here, and just reflecting on everything that's brought me to this chapter in my life...the precipice, the point of no return. All the agonizing, the decision-making, the soul searching...that little flutter of anticipation, the irresistable tug of the smile that breaks out every time I touch something I've bought for the Imp. The late-night fears and doubts that creep in and set my heart hammering; the stab of emotion when I imagine holding the Imp in my arms--it all comes down to this. The first (and last, okay Imp?) attempt to bring my baby into this world. This time next month, I could be going to a doctor's appointment to hear the Imp's heartbeat for the first time. It's amazing to me.

All the things I've done, and thought, and felt over the past year, all coming to a head. I'm going to look back on this someday and laugh myself silly, I know I am. All the hyper-awareness of every twinge, cramp, and temperature shift. Contemplating the contents of a toilet tissue as though the secrets of the universe will be revealed if only I can decide if that is egg-white, or just watery mucus. Frantically crossing my legs in an attempt to hold off the bathroom break for one more half hour 'cause I get my clearest hormone readings after eleven in the morning. Trying not to get ahead of myself, knowing I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but somehow unable to stop the most optimistic hopes from forming. Ridiculously sitcom-like adventures in WalMart.

And that's not even counting the sheer amount of introspection, meditation, and assessment that has gone into even beginning to attempt this. I know I haven't had the heartache and frustration that I know many people have gone through on this path...but though my roads may have been different, in many ways they've been just as rough. Doing this as a single woman was a harder decision than any I've ever had to make, however flippant I may be about the lack of a Mr. Elf.

And now that I'm finally, FINALLY, hitting the last phase of this experience (however long it takes me to get to actual motherhood), it's just incredible to contemplate how far I've come and how much farther I have to go.

You're worth it to me, though, Imp. Worth all this and a thousand times more. I'm waiting for you with open arms and all the love in my heart.

Here.

We.

Go.