Knee Deep in Debris and Wearing a New Been There, Done That T-Shirt

*frantically waves hand in front of face, whilst choking and hacking on the billowing clouds of dust and cobwebs that have gathered on this blog*

Huh. Okay, that was a longer break than I was intending.

*shuffles through some of the shambles and takes a moment to chuckle ruefully at some of the old posts*

Really, much longer than I was intending. Granted, this blog is basically the cyber-equivalent of talking to myself...but I figure I'm not technically answering back and therefore it's totally a tally in the "Not Insane, Just Eccentric" column. So I guess it doesn't really matter how long I'm here or how long I'm gone. Still...I'd forgotten how cathartic it is to get thoughts out in a relatively anonymous setting.

Ah, dear glade, what an interesting six months it hath been. "Interesting" here having the meaning of "holy crap, which vengeful deity did YOU piss off?"...and, oddly enough, "see, the Universe really DOES have a sense of humor and see what happens when you forget truths you should know to your bones?"

Okay, as things stood last time I posted...I had just gotten a new puppy who was going to grow up to be a well behaved little border-collie-sized companion for my Imp, I was going to stay a year at my school and then move back home, and I was going to go through Midwest cryobank and have my Imp this year come Hell or high water.

Well, as it turns out, came Hell. In a span of three months, here are the turns my life took:

1. My family went absolutely batshit insane. My kid sister got kicked out of college, and quickly turned into an after-school special...complete with allegations of drug use (hopefully false, thank GOD), lying, deliberately trying to set other family members against each other to cover up said lies and just generally spiraling otu of control. My father and uncles are no longer speaking to my paternal grandparents or my aunts--much as I was joking about the "family feud" it's become godawful real, with people being cut from the will and not coming to see my eighty-odd-year old grandparents as long as "so and so" is in the house (which honestly breaks my heart because realistically, with their health, my grandparents are not going to be here for very much longer and I think it's fucking stupid for dad to be wasting the time he has left with them), and:

2. My maternal grandfather passed away. He had been suffering from Alzheimer's for years, it had been years since he had any idea who I even was, and in all honesty, my Grandpa had not been with us for a very long time...but God, it still hurt to lose him for good, and so soon after my Grandma (she died two years ago this winter). I was worried about my Mom for a long time.

3. I got laid off from my job. Technically it was a "reduction in force" due to budget constraints (the county was running something like a 1 million dollar deficit and we lost 14 teaching positions in the district)...and while I understand that, they knew they were gonna do it in May and didn't inform me until the last day of school in mid-June. Also, I have it on good authority that I actually should have been shuffled over to another department and a teacher with less seniority than me let go, but they pulled a technicality with my licensing because one of the God-fearin' Church Wimmin who had pull with the principal and super-intendent was convinced I was a lesbian because I lived with my friend D, and *gasp* didn't have a boyfriend or husband myself.

No offense to any actual God Fearing Church Women...I count you a different breed than the God-Fearin' church Wimmin, and truly do respect your genuine faith that does not feel the need to tear down others simply because they're different.

I'm not a lesbian, by the by. I'm just way too independent to be very good at relationships.

5. Upon being let go from my school, I returned to my home-state of Ohio only to discover that my current teaching license would not transfer because Ohio did not have reciprocity, and that my Ohio license was set to expire at the end of June. As teacher's school years start mid-august, I had exactly one month to acquire six college credits for renewal, file the paperwork for renewal, and fix my license.

If you've ever dealt with paperwork in a state education department, you know why this was a cause for despair.

Truthfully? I kind of scared myself a little these past few months. Looking back, I think I hit actual Depression (note the capital D). I just...stopped reacting to things. I literally came home from being told I was let go at work to the news that my grandfather had died and I just asked D if she wanted to order pizza or Chinese for dinner. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, things started getting wonky around the time the fight in my family started hitting a fever pitch and then things just went...numb. According to D, I freaked her the hell out...like, hide the pills and the sharp objects freaked out.

I never got even remotely close to *that* place, but yeah...in hindsight, I have not dealt with the past few months in a healthy fashion.

However, there is a flip side.

One, things are better. The fog is lifted and I can see where I'm going again. I never did have the freakout over everything that D was waiting for...but, I don't know, everything feels *real* again. Does that sound strange?

The family is still batshit insane, but things are getting better with my sister, and although the situation with my father and uncles still breaks my heart, there's nothing *I* can do about it. And *I'm* not going to let my time with my remaining grandparents go to waste. I just hope that Dad can come to some kind of resolution before it's too late.

It's still tough to remember that my maternal grandparents are no longer with me. I know it's the way of things and really, I was incredibly lucky to have them as long as I did...but it's still hard. That, however, is a wound that has scabbed over and will heal as those wounds tend to do.

I did manage to bull my way through six semester hours of reading instruction in four weeks, while maintaining my regular summer teaching job, and putting in a daily commute of about sixty miles...hell on the pocketbook with gas the way it is, but it was doable.

The paperwork was filed at the last possible minute due to a SNAFU with my grades ('cause I literally CAN'T do anything the easy way), but came through literally twenty four hours before it would have been illegal for me to be teaching.

I found a new job in a school that I love and am genuinely making a difference in. I'm teaching in the trenches, here, with kids that are from truly hardcore situations (I mean, I am big time inner-city urban here, with all the attendant problems therein)...and I'm actually reaching them. I'm the whitest of the Middle-Class, Midwestern white girls, but I have a weird knack for connecting with the most at-risk, abandon-all-hope kids.

And most importantly, a dear friend whom I love like family has agreed to help me bring my Imp into the world, and wants to be involved as a father. We're going to start trying this summer.

So...

My plans got smashed all to Hell and I got dealt a set of blows that probably should have knuckled me under. And because of it:

1. My Imp will have a Daddy, and though we're not going for a traditional co-parenting situation, I'll have some backup that I wasn't expecting in raising my son or daughter.

2. I'm back home with my family an entire year earlier than I was anticipating.

3. I'm teaching in a school where I can make a HUGE difference. I loved my old school, and I miss my friends and students there...but here I'm teaching the subject that my TRUE passion is aligned to (English/Reading) and I'm helping kids in ways that I haven't been called on to in years. The other day, one of my students was walking with me in the hall and out of the blue, she told me I was a good english teacher. Which is fine and good to hear, but then she went on to sigh heavily and say "And you always just make me *feel* better." And that right there just justified my entire existence.

So, Imp, my love...Mommy had a rough time these past few months. REALLY rough. But you know what? She's stronger because of it. And she can't help thinking that all of it was just the Universe's way of twisting her path into a better trail on which to finally cross paths with you. Granted, she kind of wishes the brakes hadn't been thrown in quite so spectacular a fashion on her old track...but she knows enough to know that things happen for a reason, even if the reason is not readily apparent. After all:

"Sometimes the best map will not guide you,
You can't see what's 'round the bend,
Sometimes the road leads through dark places,
Sometimes the darkness is your friend."

And that's that.