You know what I hate about diets?

It's not the not-eating thing.

It's not the fact that practically everything you love to eat is bad for you.

It's not even those damn little nitpicking portions and those stupid little cutesy 'guides'. What the hell do you mean, "a hockey puck of pasta"? Why should I trust that the "palm of [my] hand" is 3 oz of a piece of meat? Maybe I have small hands! Maybe I have large hands!

No, the thing that irritates me about dieting is the commercials. Not food commercials. Dieting commercials! Seriously, have you EVER seen anyone in a diet commercial who looked like they need to lose weight? With the noteable exceptions of Jenny Craig's spokesladies. Kirstie Alley? Totally needs to be on a diet...which is sort of a shame, 'cause she was a fox back in the day.

But elsewhere? The Nutrisystem chicks? Walking around in bikinis (and you know, honestly, I'd be happy looking like some of those girls' start pictures).

The Slim-Fast lady? The one that, like, round-house kicks the donut?

Like I'mma believe someone with a waist that small is suffering from a desperate need to lose weight.

Also, the expression on her face kind of scares me in that commercial...like she's about to bust out of my TV screen and cut me.

Ahem.

At any rate...you know I would place much more trust in products hawked by women who look like they actually need to use them. Granted, I've heard that Nutrisystem is really an excellent program...but I'm not paying frickin' $300 a month for food when I'm perfectly capable of cooking myself.

As you may have figured out, the gist of the moment is, this Elf is on a diet. Still in the "hating it, hating it, hating it!" phase, but it's a necessary evil. I've always been big, but these days I just feel unhealthy, and that's not okay. Also? Pregnancy + Obesity= nasty, nasty, unpleasant situation.

So, Imp, Mommy is eating her leafy greens and swearing off pizza, and all that jazz. You make it easier, as temptation for McDonald's fries can easily be dealt with when I consider how much healthier an environment you will be growing in if I do this now. Mommy and Daddy (heeee!) are going for you this summer, so that gives her a little under a year.

I'm not setting any particular weight loss goal...I just want to be healthier by the time it's time to try for the Imp again. So wish me luck, blog!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm joining dog obedience classes this month. Remember my darling little puppy from the posts below? The one that was supposed to be a sweet, gentle, mid-sized dog perfect for apartment living?

Remember how NOTHING this Elf ever attempts goes even remotely according to plan?

Marley (yes, I ended up naming him Marley) is a darling, dear, amusing, wonderful dog. I adore him. He makes me laugh and provides me with great company.

And if the Imp ever wants a pony, all I'll have to do is buy a saddle for our dog.

No lie. This dog has got to be part horse.

At just over ten months, Marley's head is nearly level with my waist when he's standing on all fours. I'm not a particularly tall woman...but still. He barely has to stretch his neck to reach the kitchen counters, and even thought just looking at him you can tell he doesn't have a mean bone in his body, people cross the street when they see us coming up the sidewalk on his nightly walks. He's a BIG dog.

"Won't go over forty pounds" my ass.

He's also ridiculously rambunctious, hence the obedience classes. He's literally too big to leave untrained. I'm terrified that he's going to accidentally hurt someone someday (Marley's one of those Hello! Good to meet you! Are you my new best friend?! kind of dogs, and I'm having some issue with him jumping).

He's great practice for havinga toddler, though...into everything, demanding to be let out multiple times a night, and if he's awake, then he demands that I be awake as well.

Feeding him is also a frickin' alchemy experiment. Marley can't eat dog kibble, you see. when he was around four months out he started having horrible seizures. After some lengthy bloodwork, the vet diagnosed him with epilepsy and gave him a phenobarb 'scrip. Unfortunately, the seizures continued, and I was beginning to think he'd had brain damage or something, as his IQ just suddenly seemed to drop and his personality underwent a massive change (and not for the better). I was actually having to considerhaving him put down (the seizures were that bad) when we moved and I took him to a new vet.

And she promptly diagnosed him with a non-functioning liver. Yup, my poor baby's liver doesn't filter his blood properly, so when large amounts of protein are introduced to his system (protein like puppy food is largely comprised of) toxins build up in his system, 'causing neurological issues like rampant stupidty and seizures.

Long story short (er), Marley can't eat commercial food 'cause there's too much protein, so I cook for him. He's a mostly vegetarian dog, but he does get protein from fish.

Do you know how expensive it is to feed a seventy-five pound dog fish?

Yeah, funny thing...about ninety five percent of dogs that have this condition are in the toy breeds.

Nothing the easy way. Nothing.

Marley's worth it to me, though. He's a great companion And we're coming up on three months with no seizures (yay! Also, knock on wood), so I'm really pleased.

It'll be interesting to see how he reacts to other dogs in the obedience classes. I'm looking forward to it, actually...it looks like a lot of fun.

Other than that, not much going on. I wanted to thank Tammy for dropping by on my little corner of cyberspace, even after so long...her comments always make me feel better. Tammy, you and Mark have been in my thoughts so often this year...I haven't been commenting, but I've been following your public posts and you continue to be such an inspiration. If I can live my life with HALF the grace and light that you've brought to yours, I'll consider it a life well lived. I continually pray that the Universe will finally see fit to let you have your peanut.


Things this Elf is looking forward to: Christmas. Yup, Christmas. Bring on the snow!
Things currently annoying the crap out of her: see above rant on diet commercials
Pretty boy of the moment: Michael Weatherly. Seriously, how did I miss NCIS for seven seasons?! That show is MADE of awesome! And DiNozzo...gah, I could watch that man read the back of a cereal box for an hour every week!