I Drank Those Suckers Under the Table!

This month's OPK's, to be precise.

Heyas.

*sigh* I'm a pretty clever person...honestly, I am. Not being conceited at all. Comes with that whole "teacher" territory, you know? Thing is, sometimes utterly common sense-type stuff tends to elude me. Another character flaw? I'm kind of paranoid...verging on OCD territory, but it doesn't really negatively impact my life. It's a "check two or three times to make sure the door is locked and the car alarm is armed" thing, rather than a "wash my hands until they bleed" type thing. Annoying, yes, but not bad, per se.

However, when the two tendencies combine....

Take this month, for instance. I KNOW when I tend to ovulate. I get temps, and a definite fade-in of LH on my OPK's that corresponds directly with O cramps, cervical fluid patterns, and my charts. I've got my O narrowed to the same 2-3 CD's each month. I know this.

But I'm trying for the Imp next month...really and truly going for it, and so of course the paranoia kicked in. Do I *really* have it? Am I 100% sure? The inner voice starts whispering, and I start getting less confident, and then the inner voice starts telling me I better make *sure* and how to do that. This would be an excellent plan, except for one thing.

My inner voice is, I think, the reincarnation of Lucille frickin' Ball.

"I'm just gonna test the whole 'fertile week' this month!" says I. "I'm going to freakin' *watch* the positive OPK appear, day by day."

So, I go and buy three boxes of the Answer-brand OPK's (the seven days, not the twenty). And I pee on those suckers three times a day, starting four days before I'm due to O.

Thing is, I don't produce that much pee, usually. My solution? I start drinking a crapload of water...and not just any water. No, not tap water for this Elf. CVS was having a sale on SmartWater, which I quite like.

So I'm drinking water that has been filled with electrolytes and heaven-knows-what-else.

*double sigh*

So, 'round about the third day of doing this, I'm literally raising the glass to my lips when it kinda dawns on me...

LH surge is detected by concentration of LH in my pee. Drinking lots of water dilutes the pee. As well as any hormones that are in the pee.

And I'm working myself into a tizzy because the reliable fade-in has not been reliable this month.

And then I'm like: Damn. It. All.

*triple sigh*

So, I didn't get my positive OPK this month...I *think* I caught the tail-end of the surge after I abandoned the drinking like a fish routine, 'cause I got one test that was sooooooo close to positive I literally had to sit and look at it in, like, three different sets of light to decide...but no, not quite. The next tests were of decidedly fade-*out* nature, and corresponded perfectly with the appearance of EWCM and O cramps, so like I said, tail end. Couldn't temp this month, 'cause my sleeping habits have been all messed up getting onto a summer schedule, and I'm sleeping in three different houses depending on what night of the week it is...with three different ideas of acceptable air conditioning...it's just not worth it to try to adjust.

Notes to Self:

1. Clear Blue Easy Digital OPK's are a must next month.
2. Normal drinking habits only.
3. Test between 11'ish and 8'ish only.

*nods*

Welcome to the crazy world of ttc, eh? Still, if this is the craziest it gets, I shall count myself very, very lucky. I can't wait 'til I try my first self-insem...should be one for the history books. I'm seeing a bit of furtively trying to wash the sheets in my mother's house combined with a little something plastic getting caught somewhere unfortunate.

Speaking of plastic things getting caught in unfortunate places...where do you ladies get your oral syringes? 'Cause WalMart, purveyer of all things needful (and/or stamped with the John Deere logo) didn't have any, CVS didn't have any...well, yeah, they had one, but I'll be damned if I shove that sucker up my ladybits! I don't even own a vibe that big around!

Ahem.

Seriously...where does one get them? Vet's office? Doctor? Can you just go into a doctor's office and ask for a little oral syringe?

In case you hadn't noticed...I'm going just a bit neurotic here. It's just, I'm actually going to DO this. I've been wanting this for almost five years...and I decided that this summer would be the try-date a full year and a half ago. Almost five years just waiting to *try* for my Imp. It's a little overwhelming to actually be *doing*. And yes, realistically, I know there's not a whole lot of chance of this taking the first time out of the gate. It does happen, but that's the exception, not the rule. And I can wait, I really can. I just don't *want* to, you know?

I'm also going to be doing this completely by myself. Not the mothering bit...I mean, yeah, duh, SMBC here...of course I'm gonna be doing it by myself. But I mean the actual insemination. I've decided not to tell everyone when I'm doing it and if I DO happen to get pregnant, to keep it to myself until at least Thanksgiving.

Well, not the ladies on the boards.

But the thing is, I also know that a large number of pregnancies end up in miscarriage. That's why so many women can go for weeks and not know they're pregnant. It just shows up as a late period. I think I could handle it if I lost a baby early on. I *don't* think I could handle my entire family knowing about it. I don't like pity, and I don't like people trying to awkwardly pat my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

And, if I do get pregnant and it sticks...no, WHEN I get pregnant and it sticks...I'll have those few weeks when it's literally my own special secret. Me and the Imp, totally just the two of us. I like that.

So, if all goes well...I'm trying in about four or five weeks. I'll order the swimmers to arrive at the end of the third week (lots of welding places around here I can get liquid nitrogen, and I don't mind to pay a fee to keep the suckers here and handy for the instant I need 'em). Heh, I'll be testing in Africa...I also feel positive energy in that. Being on the greatest adventure of my life and discovering whether or not I'm about to embark on an even greater one.

Plus which, I TOTALLY want to announce my pregnancy to the family by showing them a slideshow/video of my Africa trip that ends with a shot of me on Tabletop Mountain or something, with a total Mastercard caption: "Trip to Africa: $10,000 grant; Bug Spray and Supplies: $100; Telling You There's Two of Us In This Picture: Priceless!"

Seriously, how cool would that be?

Things Elfgirl is looking forward to: July insem! C'mon, Imp, Mommy's waiting!

Things currently annoying the crap out of her: my sister's dog. Housebreak the darn thing already!

Pretty Boy of the Moment: James Roday. Word.