Seriously, Universe? SERIOUSLY?

I'm not entirely certain, and definitely need more research, but empirical evidence seems to suggest:

I spent at least a few former lives getting my kicks by strangling kittens and in front of wheelchair-bound children while simultaneously spitting on the American flag, frying up California Condor egg omlettes and possibly sporting a Nazi tattoo.

Or seven.

Far-fetched? Perhaps, but it's the only explanation I can come up with as to why Fate keeps kicking me in the stomach. I'm usually a fairly ardent supporter of the idea that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and things happen for a reason and yadda yadda yadda...but geez-oh-pete, can I have a little breathing room please?

So, my friend J, who agreed to be my known donor for the Imp, has bailed on me.

Sunday night, no less, after last Friday...which was pretty much one of the most soul-destroying days I've ever experienced as a teacher. So, I'm bracing myself to charge right back into the fray that is my school and J messages me up with: "we need to talk."

And, you know? I asked him to be my donor 7 months ago. Went over every detail of it with him, what would be required, how we would do it, what to expect and what sort of agreement as to his part in the Imp's life we would have. And literally, every time I talk to him, I'm like: "PLEASE do not answer me until you are 100% sure. Our relationship will not change if you say no, I will not be angry or upset with you if you say no...but I need you to be absolutely sure before you give me an answer." And after about five months of talking and considering, he says yes. Utterly, completely yes. "Are you SURE?" says I. "Do you understand what this will entail, and why your part will be, and are you okay with it?" Yes, says he. "Take another month or so to really consider it...take a look at this Known Donor questionnaire, take a look at this contract and REALLY be sure," says I.

See where this is going?

So, yeah, the 'we need to talk' turns into he's not emotionally ready to do this, and maybe if I ask him in a year, etc. etc. etc.

Oh, and apparently, he only said yes as a reflex, 'cause a couple of friends of his utterly cut him out of their lives right after he met me (five years ago) and he was afraid I'd do the same if he said no.

And let me say right here, that I'm not upset that he said no. I told him from the start that I wouldn't be, and I meant that. I'm not stupid...getting into a known donor situation with a donor who's not 100% on board with the idea and in agreement with the way things will be is a recipe for disaster. Better he tell me this now, rather than start to have second thoughts when I'm waiting to ovulate or, God forbid, when I'm pregnant. I'm okay with him saying no.

I'm not sure I'm okay with him saying no after I've spent months BEGGING him not to give me an answer unless it's a final one, and flat out telling him that I'd rather he say no or ask for more time to think, because it would kill me if he said yes and then changed his mind. If that makes sense.

I'm also really pissed that he compared me to those other friends who ditched him. Like, that's all the respect you have for me and my investment in our relationship after five years? To say that you're afraid to say something that'll upset me 'cause you think I'll do the same thing? We live on opposite sides of the country...if I didn't want him in my life, it'd be pretty damn easy to ditch him, and it's quite difficult to maintain the closeness we have.

I'm not real happy that the day after he told me this, he greets me with an abortion joke, either.

Just, I dunno. I know that this is literally NOTHING compared to what other women go through to have their babies. I feel really selfish and whiny when I read some of the other blogs I go to. But, we can't help what we feel.

And right now, I feel like throwing a tantrum worthy of a five year old at the way the Universe keeps throwing monkey wrenches into my plans here.

But I'm trying to keep my self-pity to my blog, here, instead of making my family and friends deal with my angst. It's just soooo frustrating. So I guess now I go back to the sperm banks. Midwest is who I was going with before, so I think I'll stick with them. I'd intended to do at-home insemination, but at this point, I'm wondering if I might as well just go for broke with doctor's IUI.

Random acts of bloggish levity:

How awesome does Iron Man 2 look? I love RDJ...man's frickin' brilliant. And I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

I was gonna make a joke about these childhood beauty pageants....but seems like shooting fish in a barrel. No sport to it. God, Imp, if you decide to be a girl PLEASE do not be into that crap. Like, for reals. Mommy couldn't take it.

Again, because I know she drops by here sometimes...Tammy, your comments always brighten my day and make me feel so much better, and I continue to be amazed at the generosity of your spirit. I am sooooooooooo happy that things are looking like they're going to be going your way and that you're soon going to have your FET. If anyone ever deserved a happy ending, it's you and I am praying so, so hard that things work out this time.