Universe Says, "Fuck YOU, Elf!"

This is a vent. And a rant. And I'm not going to be polite.

Barring a last minute miracle, I'm out for the next ten months. I have never been so fucking incandescantly furious in my life. NW Andrology can go fuck itself. I'd heard stories about them fucking their customers over, but I hadn't realized they were quite so spiteful about it.

Full disclosure, the start of was my fault. In the whirlwind of getting moved into D's house and getting packed for Africa, I kept forgetting to send their damn dewar back. I ended up mailing it on the day we left, and the freaking FedEx return label was lost somewhere in my move and my stupid town doesn't have a FedEx station anyway, so I sent it UPS. And then I was driving through backroads with no cell signal and on a plane for twenty four hours and then I was in Africa, and I forgot to call them to let them know that the dewar was on its way back. And then I get this email while in Africa saying that they haven't received their dewar and I emailed back with the details of the UPS tracking number and whatnot. Three days later I get a nastier email threatening to file a goddamn police report on me for grand theft! I email back the tracking number again, and the thing was scheduled to arrive the next day, so all was well. I even fucking CALLED them from South fucking Africa to confirm the dewar had arrived safely and get the total of late fees I owed. Couldn't pay it right then, 'cause a charge in the US when I was supposed to be overseas would've shut down my bank account. But I fucking asked them if this would affect my ability to make future orders, and the guy says "There's no notations on your record, but check back later." Fine.

So I get back from Africa, and the first thing I do is pay them. And I ask again, will this affect my ability to make orders? "If we haven't sent you a letter or email, then no, you're fine." And you know what? No letter or email. I got a bill for the late fees, which said nothing about my account.

Called them AGAIN last week, to check donor statuses and asked them AGAIN, because I was feeling paranoid, and was assured AGAIN, that since I paid the late fee, all was well.

Called today to make my order, and am told, "We shut down your account, and oh, by the way, we filed a police report on you."

A fucking TWO MONTHS after I sent the fucking dewar back.

I'm a teacher. A teacher who wants to get a job in another state next year so I can move closer to my family. A police report filed against me is major, major shit on my background check. Oh, but the best part? I called my town and county police AND sheriff's offices and they've never even heard my name before. Or of NW Andrology.

So. NW LIED to me, repeatedly, about the state of my account. LIED to me about filing a police report on me. And oh yeah, since they didn't see fit to inform me that they didn't want my business before I actually tried to order sperm, it's now too late to try to find another bank. I'm due to ovulate this weekend. Fucking. Bastards.

And you know what? I wouldn't have even been all that upset if they'd just been upfront and said they weren't going to deal with me anymore. I broke the terms of the dewar rental, they have every right to refuse me future service. I understand that part. What I don't understand was why I was told, repeatedly, that I'd still be able to order.

Fucking. Bastards.