Not sure how to feel, not sure what to do...

Heyas,

Well, no sense beating around the bush. There will be no April arrival of the Imp. Blood results from my doctor came back negative and the Crimson Avenger put in its appearance with a true vengeance this week. Near as my doctor can figure, it really was a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage that gave me my South Africa BFP. Or just sloppy labwork on the other doctor's part...frankly, I'm not going to make a call to Cape Town to find out.

So, no last minute miracle for this Elf. Did some crying, did some irrational anger, did some lying in bed staring aimlessly at the ceiling...but I don't think I'm truly grieving this as a loss. It's over, it's done with, there was never anything I could have done to change it, and c'est la vie.

Fair warning, I firmly believe that if you can't laugh, all you'll ever do is cry, so I've developed an ability to be flip under any circumstances. It's my coping mechanism, don't judge me.

I don't believe my Imp died inside of me. I believe that the vessel being created for my Imp's beautiful soul was somehow wrong, or never truly existed in the first place. I will create another one, and my Imp will be with me.

I did break down and tell my family, which in retrospect I wish I hadn't done. Now they're all worried that I'm not "dealing with it" or talking about it enough. I dunno...as hopeful and happy as I was, there was always some part of me that was holding back on the true joy I know will be waiting for me when I have the Imp here. Maybe there was some part of me that recognized something wasn't right all along. I'm usually better at listening to those deep-rooted instincts, but I think I can be forgiven for ignoring them this time.

So now I am faced with a quandary. Apparently the late, weird period last month was the actual miscarriage. This month was my normal flow (nice of my body to get right back on schedule like that, after driving me nuts with the 1st TTC attempt, no?). My doctor couldn't find any particular reason I should wait to try again. If I did this cycle, I'd have a potential due date of late June/early July...not as ideal as April/May, but not unacceptable like August or September.

If I don't try this month, it's another school year before I can try again.

Imp, my love, I'm realistic. I'll never be able to afford to stay at home with you full time...and I don't know that I could be happy in a career other than teaching, which doesn't lend itself to working in the home. I'd gladly make any sacrifice for you, your happiness will be worth any price to me, but I've seen what happens when people force themselves into molds that don't fit them. I won't give you a mother who doesn't know enough to take care of her own needs and happiness in addition to yours. The months after you're born will be the only ones where there will be no other demands on my time than you. I won't deprive us of that.

It would hurt so, so much to wait again, though. I don't know what to do. I have only a couple of weeks to decide, if patterns hold true.

I dreamed of you again the other night, Imp. I dreamed of holding you in my arms, tucking you into bed, listening to your laughter. Even dreaming, I felt such a swell of love and joy. I almost cried upon ralizing it was just a dream. I want you here so much, but I'm afraid that I'm not thinking clearly, that my heart is overwhelming my judgement. My heart's never led me wrong before...but now I'm afraid. I only want what's best for you, Imp. I don't know what to do.