Universe Says, "Fuck YOU, Elf!"

This is a vent. And a rant. And I'm not going to be polite.

Barring a last minute miracle, I'm out for the next ten months. I have never been so fucking incandescantly furious in my life. NW Andrology can go fuck itself. I'd heard stories about them fucking their customers over, but I hadn't realized they were quite so spiteful about it.

Full disclosure, the start of was my fault. In the whirlwind of getting moved into D's house and getting packed for Africa, I kept forgetting to send their damn dewar back. I ended up mailing it on the day we left, and the freaking FedEx return label was lost somewhere in my move and my stupid town doesn't have a FedEx station anyway, so I sent it UPS. And then I was driving through backroads with no cell signal and on a plane for twenty four hours and then I was in Africa, and I forgot to call them to let them know that the dewar was on its way back. And then I get this email while in Africa saying that they haven't received their dewar and I emailed back with the details of the UPS tracking number and whatnot. Three days later I get a nastier email threatening to file a goddamn police report on me for grand theft! I email back the tracking number again, and the thing was scheduled to arrive the next day, so all was well. I even fucking CALLED them from South fucking Africa to confirm the dewar had arrived safely and get the total of late fees I owed. Couldn't pay it right then, 'cause a charge in the US when I was supposed to be overseas would've shut down my bank account. But I fucking asked them if this would affect my ability to make future orders, and the guy says "There's no notations on your record, but check back later." Fine.

So I get back from Africa, and the first thing I do is pay them. And I ask again, will this affect my ability to make orders? "If we haven't sent you a letter or email, then no, you're fine." And you know what? No letter or email. I got a bill for the late fees, which said nothing about my account.

Called them AGAIN last week, to check donor statuses and asked them AGAIN, because I was feeling paranoid, and was assured AGAIN, that since I paid the late fee, all was well.

Called today to make my order, and am told, "We shut down your account, and oh, by the way, we filed a police report on you."

A fucking TWO MONTHS after I sent the fucking dewar back.

I'm a teacher. A teacher who wants to get a job in another state next year so I can move closer to my family. A police report filed against me is major, major shit on my background check. Oh, but the best part? I called my town and county police AND sheriff's offices and they've never even heard my name before. Or of NW Andrology.

So. NW LIED to me, repeatedly, about the state of my account. LIED to me about filing a police report on me. And oh yeah, since they didn't see fit to inform me that they didn't want my business before I actually tried to order sperm, it's now too late to try to find another bank. I'm due to ovulate this weekend. Fucking. Bastards.

And you know what? I wouldn't have even been all that upset if they'd just been upfront and said they weren't going to deal with me anymore. I broke the terms of the dewar rental, they have every right to refuse me future service. I understand that part. What I don't understand was why I was told, repeatedly, that I'd still be able to order.

Fucking. Bastards.

Throwing It All in the Air and Letting the Universe Sort It Out

Heyas,

Well, after a couple days of hard thought and a few deep conversations with my mother and D, I've decided to try again this cycle for the Imp. I feel like I should be putting more thought into this and taking more time to fully process the fiasco that was the first attempt...but honestly? There is none. It's try now or resign myself to wait a whole other year and I just can't bring myself to do that.

Maybe it's not quite as healthy an approach as I should be taking to this...but I can't really make myself care. I know I'll spend the next year regretting it if I don't do this, and if it doesn't take, I'll know that the Universe just has some other schedule in mind. But at least I'll have tried.

So. One week to pick another donor, buy him, and get him shipped. It's too late to start my Evening Primrose Oil and get any real benefit in the CM, so I went out and bought a bottle of grapefruit juice today, and will chug it down with gritty determination. I really hate that stuff. It always feels like it's eating through my stomach lining.

Called NW to get its available donor list, and have at least narrowed things down to three possibilities--94G, 280, and 434. I think it'll probably go down to 94 and 280...434 would be my last choice of those three. I'm kind of afraid to get my heart set on any of 'em, in case I call next week and they're sold out or something. I'm almost tempted to just be all "I don't give a shit, I just want a baby!"...but I really should put more effort into it than that.

*sigh*

On the plus side, I'm hoping if I can get to that point where I'm not focusing on it so much, it'll just happen. Whatcha think, Imp?

Not sure how to feel, not sure what to do...

Heyas,

Well, no sense beating around the bush. There will be no April arrival of the Imp. Blood results from my doctor came back negative and the Crimson Avenger put in its appearance with a true vengeance this week. Near as my doctor can figure, it really was a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage that gave me my South Africa BFP. Or just sloppy labwork on the other doctor's part...frankly, I'm not going to make a call to Cape Town to find out.

So, no last minute miracle for this Elf. Did some crying, did some irrational anger, did some lying in bed staring aimlessly at the ceiling...but I don't think I'm truly grieving this as a loss. It's over, it's done with, there was never anything I could have done to change it, and c'est la vie.

Fair warning, I firmly believe that if you can't laugh, all you'll ever do is cry, so I've developed an ability to be flip under any circumstances. It's my coping mechanism, don't judge me.

I don't believe my Imp died inside of me. I believe that the vessel being created for my Imp's beautiful soul was somehow wrong, or never truly existed in the first place. I will create another one, and my Imp will be with me.

I did break down and tell my family, which in retrospect I wish I hadn't done. Now they're all worried that I'm not "dealing with it" or talking about it enough. I dunno...as hopeful and happy as I was, there was always some part of me that was holding back on the true joy I know will be waiting for me when I have the Imp here. Maybe there was some part of me that recognized something wasn't right all along. I'm usually better at listening to those deep-rooted instincts, but I think I can be forgiven for ignoring them this time.

So now I am faced with a quandary. Apparently the late, weird period last month was the actual miscarriage. This month was my normal flow (nice of my body to get right back on schedule like that, after driving me nuts with the 1st TTC attempt, no?). My doctor couldn't find any particular reason I should wait to try again. If I did this cycle, I'd have a potential due date of late June/early July...not as ideal as April/May, but not unacceptable like August or September.

If I don't try this month, it's another school year before I can try again.

Imp, my love, I'm realistic. I'll never be able to afford to stay at home with you full time...and I don't know that I could be happy in a career other than teaching, which doesn't lend itself to working in the home. I'd gladly make any sacrifice for you, your happiness will be worth any price to me, but I've seen what happens when people force themselves into molds that don't fit them. I won't give you a mother who doesn't know enough to take care of her own needs and happiness in addition to yours. The months after you're born will be the only ones where there will be no other demands on my time than you. I won't deprive us of that.

It would hurt so, so much to wait again, though. I don't know what to do. I have only a couple of weeks to decide, if patterns hold true.

I dreamed of you again the other night, Imp. I dreamed of holding you in my arms, tucking you into bed, listening to your laughter. Even dreaming, I felt such a swell of love and joy. I almost cried upon ralizing it was just a dream. I want you here so much, but I'm afraid that I'm not thinking clearly, that my heart is overwhelming my judgement. My heart's never led me wrong before...but now I'm afraid. I only want what's best for you, Imp. I don't know what to do.

I'm Not Dead Yet....

Heyas,

Sorry I've been MIA lately...got back from Africa safely (heh, funny story...I actually managed to delay our flight for almost forty-five minutes. And not by doing anything cool like tangling with TSA or anything. Nope, when we were booking our flight and filling out options for our in-flight meal, I was like "Hey, D, wanna try some of these special meal options?" argument being that it would be fresher and eh, what the hell, we were paying exhorbitant fees anyway. Any road, D got vegetarian, and I, stupid Elf, went for Kosher. Well...apparently they had a hard time providing kosher plane food on the day we left, and nobody thought to come and ask me if it was okay not to have kosher food until they'd exhausted all other options. I'm not Jewish--and honestly don't mean to be offensive or anything--and so of course I was like, "yeah, no problem"...but they waited for 45 minutes to come ask me that. So. Yeah.)

Any road, I'd be posting updates and doing "X Weeks Pregnant, Only X Weeks To Go!" counters, but truth is...I'm scared. I'm going to see my doctor next week to get it confirmed for me if the Imp is really here. For those of you not aware...I got some really inconclusive HPT's, and had a strange discharge that was NOT my usual AF, and finally went to a doctor in Cape Town and got a positive blood test.

And I want to believe I'm pregnant...I *feel* pregnant, if that makes any sense...but I'm still scared that it's just all in my head.

So...not blogging my pregnancy until I'm SURE the Imp is here.

Keep your fingers crossed for us, eh?