Stop the Ride, I Want Off

Heyas,

So, I'm having a bad time with Marley right now. Tuesday night he started seizing and he's had a grand mal seizure at least every eight hours since. I've spent the past two nights jerking awake at the slightest noise or movement from him (and twice I jerked awake just in time to move him to the floor from my bed to avoid him peeing all over my bedspread when he loses bladder control) and I had to call off school today because I'd literally only gotten about four hours of sleep in a forty eight hour period and just being that tired and stressed out made me sick. Marley's last seizure was at about nine this morning, and he seems to be a little more alert now, so I'm hoping that he's finally coming out of the spell, but damn.

Seizures are the worst visible symptom of Marley's liver condition. It happens when he gets too much protein in his system and ammonia builds up to toxic levels in his bloodstream. Problem is, I have no idea what triggered these seizures. He got into some cat food at my mother's place over the weekend, but I didn't think he'd gotten enough to throw him into seizures, and he seemed fine on Monday. He's been eating only rice and vegetables for the past few days to try and not overtax his system, and my mom got me some lactulose from our vet that I'll pick up tomorrow, which should help bind up toxins in his system and help him pass them quicker, but I don't know if that'll work.

I'm having to face the real possibility of having to put my boy down. If I can't get these seizures under control...that's no way for him to live. And they're only a visible symptom of a very, very serious internal issue. Liver failure is a slow, painful way to die and I can't do that to him. I knew going into this that hsi long-term prognosis was not good. This condition he has takes a lot of very careful care and dogs with it don't tend to live that long. Large breed dogs with this condition have an even shorter prognosis. But I thought I'd get more than a year and a half.

I don't know, hopefully the lactulose and going back to a very strictly low protein diet will get this under control, but I'm trying to be hopeful and at the same time prep myself for the worst. I've never had to let an animal go. We've had family pets that we've had to put down, but I've never been the one to make the decision, and the ones we had to do that for were "family" pets that my sisters were more invested in than I was. This is MY baby. So, hope for the best, prepare for the worst...that's my motto in life, apparently.

It's been a really nasty couple of weeks. One of my dear friends and I are going through a really rough patch (or at least, I am on my end...I don't know if he's noticed yet). Basically, my friend has had some really hard hands dealt to him this year. I'm in no way making light of the tough choices and situations he's having to deal with. And in a lot of ways, I'm one of the few outlets and support networks he has, so I expect to share the worst of the load with him, and listen to him and try to help him deal with things...but he's not dealing. For the past few weeks, our conversations have consisted of him detailing over and over again how hard his life is right now and how unhappy and depressed he is, and him asking over and over how can he change it, how can he be happy again...and then refusing to take the actual necessary steps.

A family member he lives with has some serious depression issues. He literally lives in fear that he'll come home and find this person has killed themselves. But he won't get the person to sign themselves into a mental health facility (or do it for them) because he'd feel like he let them down by taking them out of their home, and he should be able to help them deal with the depression.

He's having money issues...he lives in a place that he can't really afford the rent on, he's drowning in student loan debt, and his car has needed major repairs this month. But he won't move to a more affordable place because he doesn't like change, won't stop spending a hundred dollars or more a week on takeout because he doesn't like to cook, and won't get rid of the car and take public transport because he doesn't like being around so many people.

He has weight issues. He spends money on a gym membership and then comes home and orders pizza and chinese takeout and ice cream (yes, actually pays to have ice cream delivered), because he needs the comfort food because he's so self-conscious about the weight.

He called me up the other day crying, literally sobbing because he heard a song on the radio that reminded him of his fifteen year old dog that he finally had to have put down a year ago. And I sympathize...I do. If and when I have to let Marley go, I will be an inconsolable wreck. But a year down the line?

It just seems like one vicious circle after another. And it's exhausting trying to be constantly supportive and sympathetic to someone who seems determined to just spin their wheels. Lately I feel like he doesn't want to make any changes...he just wants people to commiserate with how much his life sucks, and then when things don't change or get worse, he can sit back and not take any responsibility for it, because his life is so hard. And I just want to shake him and scream, "You're an adult! No one is going to fix things for you, you have to fix it for yourself."

I mean...I do a lot of venting here. I try to be funny about it, but a lot of my posts are pity parties, and I own that. But writing is my catharsis and helps me drain out all the anger and frustration and resentment so that I can GO DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS CALMLY AND CONSTRUCTIVELY. I don't whine like this in real life. This is my safe place to just throw a little tantrum in safe anonymity that won't hurt anyone so that I can go be a grownup elsewhere.

*deep breath*

On a positive note...

Dear Universe,

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE let Tammy and Mark have their happy ending next week (and then an even happier ending in nine months). Just, seriously, they deserve it more than just about anyone else in the whole world at this point. I don't even really know them, and I'm not close to Tammy like some of her other blog-stalkers, but I want this for her every bit as much as I want to finally hold my Imp in my arms.

Yours truly,
Elfgirl